How To Become Fwriends With Tim's Dirty Lauwndry!

I know youw've been waiting way too long for my latest blog! I was negowtiating a book deal with Random Houwse, and it almost went through! But it didn't.

It's okay. I'll get there someday soon. They just didn't respect me as a artist and that is not right! So what did I do when I came home? I did not cry!

Okay, I did a little!

But then I went to Tim's lauwndry and I lay on them and it smelled like Tim and some other smells too! And i kissed his dirty lauwndry and they hugged me for houwrs!!!! That is how you become fwriends with Tim's dirty lauwndry!!!!!

How To Become Fwriends With A Coffee Maker!

I love Tim and he is my fwriend but sometimes he's weird too! Because he and his roommate Jason kept talking on and on and on about how much they wanted a coffee maker and then they got a coffee maker and THEY NEVER USE HER! How is that a good way to twreat a fwriend?!?

When I'm ignored I get really sad and I cry and I hate it! So, whenever I can I go to the Coffee Maker and tell her that I would drink out of her anytime she wanted! And that I will always be her fwriend!

And then I hug her and I know that she's my fwriend and she knows it too!!!! That's how you become fwriends with the Coffee Maker!

How To Become Fwriends With A Fwreezer!

I love the way the Fwreezer feels when I am inside hewr! She gives me a chill thwrough my back and I want to scwream - YES! I LOVE YOU!

You may want to know how you become fwriends with the Fwreezer the way I am fwriends with the Fwreezer. That's easy! Just crawl inside of her and say, "Hey! I'm Crocogal! Can I sleep inside you?!"

And then when the Fwreezer says yes, say thank you, because you shouwld always say thank you, that's a rule you shouwld know, say, "Thank you!" And then, "WILL YOU BE MY FWRIEND?!?" And then she'll be your fwriend! But don't fall asleep for too long because you can fwreeze to death and die.

How To Become Fwriends With Your Own Reflection!

Sometimes it's grwoss outside and you have no fwriends arwound inside! Sometimes that will make you sad, but don't be sad! Because you can always have fwriends with you!

How?!

Look in the mirrwor and say hi to your newest fwriend! YOUR REFLECTION!

You have so much in common with this fwriend! This fwriend will follow you arwound! This fwriend will move like you move! This fwriend will cry with you when you cry!!!

What type of fwriend is that?! YOUR BEST FWRIEND! DUH!

Say hello to this fwriend and smile with all your teeth. I do everyday! and everyday this fwriend smiles right back!

How To Become Fwriends With A Razor!

Sometimes, FWRIENDSHIP HUWRTS!

Here I am with my friend, Razor! I love Razor! But here is something you should always remembwer:

WHEN YOU WANT TO HUG OR KISS YOUR FWRIEND, ALWAYS ASK FWIRST OR THEY MIGHT HUWRT YOU!

I did not ask Razor if I could hug or kiss him. I was so excited that we became fwriends that I picked him up and kissed him all over and hugged him tight! He did not mean to huwrt me. Why would he? He is my fwriend! But because I did this, I became cut and I cwried! He felt soooooooo bad.

But I asked him, "ARE WE STILL FWRIENDS?!" OF COURSE WE WERE!

Now I always ask my fwriends fwirst if I can hug or kiss them! THEY ALWAYS SAY YES!

How To Become Fwriends With Tim's Roommate Jason

Tim's roommate, Jason, is soooooooo nice! I'm so glad we are now fwriends!

This is what you shouwld do if you want to become fwriends with Tim's roommate Jason. When he's sleeping, lay next to him like I did here in the pictwure. (Thanks for the pictwure, Tim!)

You should wait until he wakes up because it's rude to wake people up!

Then say: "I LOVE WATCHING YOU DWREAM, TIM'S ROOMMATE JASON! WILL YOU BE MY FWRIEND?" Right when he wakes up! I had to wait thwree hours but it was TOWTALLY worth it!

NOW WE ARE FWRIENDS FOWREVER!

How To Become Fwriends With A Umbwrella!

Here's my advice when it comes to becoming fwriends with an umbwrella. DON'T BECOME FWRIENDS WITH AN UMBWRELLA. I twried for two houwrs today and it did not say nothing!

I have nevwer met such a rude fwriend in my life, so I said, "Hey, Umbwrella, YOU'RE NOT MY FWRIEND ANYMORE!"

Now we're not fwriends. I HATE YOU, UMBWRELLA!

How To Become Fwriends With A Pwrinter!

I love the souwnd the pwrinter makes when it pwrints out papwer it souwnds like zhehazahezahe! I just had to be fwriends with her!

I said, "How's it going, Pwrinter? Good? Good! I think you're the best!"

Remembwer: Always flawtter! That's why they will become fwriends with you! Then I said, "You're so pwretty! And smart! You smell like rowses! I love rowses! I love you! WILL YOU BE MY FWRIEND?"

That's how I became fwriends with the Pwrinter!

How To Become Fwriends With Trader Joe's Organic Corn Flakes!

The most impowrtant thing to remembwer is to not eat your fwriends! You may want to eat them but then they will not be your fwriend anymore if you do!

Me and Trader Joe's Organic Corn Flakes have been fwriends for weeks and we have not twried to eat each other yet!

He was scared at first. He did not know I wanted to be his fwriend. This is what I said to make us fwriends, I said, "Hey, Trader Joe's Organic Corn Flakes! I'm Crocogal! I'm allewrgic to mint! WILL YOU BE MY FWRIEND?" And that's how we became fwriends!

Like I'd eat him anyway - ORGANIC - YUCK!

How To Become Fwriends With A Microwave!

This one's easy. Just say: "Hey! Microwave! I'm Crocogal! When I was three weeks old, my mowther twried to eat me! WILL YOU BE MY FWRIEND?"

AND THEN YOU'LL BE FWRIENDS!

Hi, I'm Crocogal!

Hi thewre, I'm Crocogal! I have soooooo many fwriends! Like Dustin! He's my fwriend!

I want to help you make fwriends too - that's why I started this blog: CROCOGAL'S GUIDE TO MAKING NEW FWRIENDS. I hope this gets me puwblished! That's my dwream!!!

I hope you find this blog useful and uniwversal in helping you make new and exciting fwriends! My helpfuwl tips will make you fwriends like I made fwriends and you will be soooooo happy!!!!

So, what do you say? Will you be my fwriend?